Actual Match.com Emails

For those lucky souls who've never been subjected to the horror that is online dating, let me entertain you with some actual emails from Match.com. 

The one with two words:

Holla mamasita

The one I don’t understand:

Hey there. Do you get out much?

What does that even mean? Like.. am I living in an insane asylum and do they let me out regularly?

The one who uses hyperbole:

You could easily make me the happiest man on earth by simply writing me ;)

I doubt you would be the happiest man on earth. That seems extreme AND impossible to empirically prove.

The one with way-too-long-stream-of-consciousness:

You mention so many great things that I almost don't know where to start. Well, I don't know if this matters, but I also love to play guitar, and I've even played some open mike nights. If you sing, I'll happily play rhythm ( ... I'm not too sure about my singing). Of course, you can play the guitar solos if you like. What songs do you like to play? It sounds like you rock some Mumford & Sons. And I have to admit that I'm jealous of the fact that you lived in Brazil. How long ago was that? Did you live in Rio? I so want to see Rio, especially during Carnaval. But I'd also love to visit Ireland. Did you get to see the incredible cliffs? Those looks magical. Actually, my favorite country is Italy. Have you ever spent some time there? You're Italian too, so you must have. And if we compromise between those two places, I think that's someplace in France, which isn't too bad either. Oh, one other thing, cannoli. It doesn't get any better than that. I'm not even kidding. Well, I still want to ask you a bunch of things, but it may be best if I stop here. I hope that you're having a great weekend. Enjoy the sunshine. And you quote Metallica ... you are legendary

How would you ever have a conversation with this person? Does he pause to breathe? 

The one who is absolutely ugly/hunchbacked/married:

It is so hard getting responses here because I don't post a picture. I had identity theft issues in the past and I'm more careful what I put online. One woman just informed me I must be fat because I don't have a picture. hahahaha My name is soccerman81 on here. How many overweight soccer players have you seen lately? I thought it was funny and had to share.

The one who can’t be bothered to type intelligently:

Hi Jamie. Just wanted to say hi b4 falling a sleep. I'd like to get to know u.

::shudder:: Why?! This isn't a text. It doesn't take THAT much more effort to type "you."

The one who is 52:

How are you? I had to laugh because when I clicked on your profile, Match told me that we're both "fine wine connoisseurs." (Does yours say that, too?)

P.S. I know I'm a bit outside your distance and age range, but I travel a lot and definitely don't feel (or act!) my age, for what it's worth. :) I'm also still looking to start a family. (Guess I'm just a late bloomer.)

Yes, you are *slightly* out of my age range.  

The one who sends the same email to everyone:

How are you doing? I read your profile I really liked it. Anyway I am a really great guy and I would like to get to know you as person. I am constantly trying to better myself. I used to be a combat medic in the marines and now I work at a hospital in the ER. Some of my interests are sports, the outdoors, exercising, cooking, baking, TV, DVDs, reading, medicine, science, history, and just learning in general. What are your interests? What do you like in a guy? I'd like to see if we have anything in common and maybe go from there. Feel free to ask me anything. Also, I want you to know that I think you are very beautiful.

I hope to hear from you soon,

Guys, this doesn't work. We can tell you copy and paste the same thing to every woman.

The one who uses humor:
I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for looks. You are clearly a 10/10 we only allow 6/10 maximum. Your account will be CLOSED unless you reply to this message with your favorite flower and if you prefer Chinese or Italian cuisine. :)

Okay, so this could also be copied and pasted to many women. But at least this is funny.

The one who takes rejection like a champ:

Jamie, perhaps you suck at basketball but I doubt that you suck at dating. For instance that was the nicest rejection I have ever gotten in my life. It was like I like talking to one guy but that guy isn't you ;). Anyway good luck to you as well my little match heart breaker hehe.

The one that’s angry:

People answer emails on here and disappear like a fart in the wind. I don't favorite or just talk to anyone on here, my subscription ends this week actually. I have interest in you because i thought you were beautiful and you had special love for music as much as i did and I thought you seemed like you had a personality. Most of all your occupation is amazing and admirable. Judging me based on a crappy profile and not asking your own questions isn't getting to know anyone. Match can easily bring the shallowist out of anyone. I find it immature how people respond on here and after a few innocent messages and disappear without any explanation, it's just a big fat fuck you.

He he. He said "fart in the wind." Seriously though. This is online dating. And we had only sent a few messages back and forth. Welcome to the jungle of SORROW.

The normal one I responded to:

Hi Jamie,

I just got back from a bike ride to a couple breweries in NE DC with a friend who’s a graduate of The Ohio State University, which I find fun to say. Have you been to Port City? Congrats on the win today by the way, it was a close one…

So where do you do these open mics? Looks fun. Have a good weekend.
.............................................................................................................................................................

Do you have any good online dating emails? If so, feel free to share the pain and post them in the comments.  

29 versus 31

I turned 31 recently. When I started this blog I was 29. Two years doesn't seem like such a huge difference, right? Here's a video that I stumbled on when I was 29. Somehow, it's less amusing now.

Men seem to sense this reality. They know that if a woman wants a family... she is staring down the 35 ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE deadline. Time is TICKING, people! Eggs are shriveling! Dying! NAY screaming as we speak!

I experience this firsthand not too long ago. I met Jim when I was 29. We only went on one date because ummmm... he forgot to mention he has two daughters (ages 9 and 11). Oops. "Didn't I mention that?" No. No you did not. I politely explain to him that I just "am not in the place in my life where I'm able to date someone with children."

Fast forward two years. I run into him at the gym.

He knows it. I know it. The day when I will have to entertain dating someone with kids is nigh. I'm not *quite* there yet.

The older I get I AM much more open to dating someone who is divorced, disengaged, etc. because let's face it. The older we get, the more baggage we accumulate. And that's okay. I can honestly say that if I met someone I connected with (in person), it might not matter if they had been married before.

But that's the danger of online dating. I get to eliminate you because you're not my "ideal" match. You have children. You're divorced. You didn't finish college. You're not at least 5'8. You don't play accordion.  I'm not saying you shouldn't have standards. But what I'm saying is that it's possible to "filter out" some great people because they carry extra baggage. I'm being filtered out now, in some cases, because I'm 31.

Where to draw the line, then? With Jim I didn't feel enough of a connection to deal with his baggage. Like I said: Check back with me in 5 years, buddy.

God Has a Sense of Humor Or...

... I'm going to be struck down by a bolt of lightening for this comic. I interrupt our normal dating dilemmas to bring you an observation I had recently.

I find myself filled with murderous rage driving around DC. People are just AWFUL. Why?! What happened? Did we all collectively decide to be horrible, selfish bastards? Have we become so jaded by horrendous traffic that even the nicest people REFUSE to let someone into their lane? Just out of spite?

I, for one, have attempted to maintain my Midwestern driving sensibilities. I let people in. I wave when someone lets me in. HOWEVER I will admit to have given the middle finger on numerous occasions to people who have absolutely deserved it.

Part of me wonders if it would help the situation if we all had a "sorry, my bad" light that we could utilize for when we screw up. The kind that would be on your bumper... and you could press a button (next to your horn when you wanted to say "oops" to the person behind you).

E.g.: Sorry I was looking at my phone! Sorry my GPS recalculated! Sorry I didn't get over and wait in line like everyone else. Sorry I'm late for work and that means I can cut you off. Sorry I was jamming to my favorite song on the radio.  Sorry I'm a moron who hates everything and everyone.

If someone cuts you off but then presses their "sorry, my bad" sign... maybe we wouldn't want them to die a excruciating, fiery death and be condemned to the depths of hell. Just a thought.                                      

I Lead An Awkward Life Interrupted By Moments Of Normalcy

You know who said that? Mr. Sparkly Vampire himself.  Edward errr Robert Pattinson.  Can’t help but admit I dig the quote. What? YOU go and try to find quotes about being awkward.  I also stumbled across this one that I particularly liked: “The awkward moment when you spell something so horribly wrong that even spell-check is like ‘sorry man, I got nothing.”

This blog post might be summed up by the following :The awkward moment when you meet a cute guitar player at open mic and he thinks you’re cute too and then he follows you to your car where he talks nervously for 20 minutes before trying to kiss you but you duck out the way because you’re feeling squirrelly and don’t understand where he would’ve gotten the wrong idea but you DO like him and feel sorry that he feels dumb now. Yeah.  

Ughhhhhh… Who am I? The poor guy! He looks like he wants to run away and die. Or at least hide underneath the earth in a pool of molten lava. I feel TERRIBLE and I have no clue what’s wrong with me!! He’s nice! He’s funny! He sings like a rockstar and plays guitar magnificently. All of the ingredients for success.  

We stick around making small talk and avoiding the fact I just rejected him hardcore. He gets into his car and drives away. I stand there watching his car disappear and I don’t know that I’ll ever see him again. 

Something has changed. I don’t want random DFMs. (see http://flingstress.blogspot.com/2011/12/return-of-dance-floor-makeout.html ) I want to get to know someone before they get to make out with me. I had a joker recently text me asking if I wanted to “hang out” with him.

Ha. At least he's honest. That's better than some guys who will say what you want to hear and then peace out. 

It’s a constant struggle for many people. The struggle between what our heads/hearts/bodies want. I miss the affection of a relationship but I won't find it in a random person. I don't want false intimacy. It just feels empty. 

As Mumford and Sons so eloquently put it:“Now I’ll be bold as well as strong… and use my head alongside my heart.” And wait until it feels right to kiss someone again. Oh. Wait. They didn't write that in their song. But they could've  should've. 

My Heart's Aflame, My Body's Strained But God I Like It

I meet Eddie at Tiffany Tavern - he's a guitar player (well and a dobro player, a mandolin player, harmonica player, banjo player... you get the picture). Basically a walking bluegrass band. He's scruffy in all of the good ways. Longish dark hair, manly beard and heavenly green eyes? HELLS YEAH.

The night we meet I am having a bout of hypochondria. I even make my poor roommate Bethany feel the bump on my leg before I leave the house. I have convinced myself that this bump is actually deep vein thrombosis (DVT ain't no laughing matter!) and I am going to die of a blood clot at any moment. A hockey bruise, you say? Preposterous! DEFINITELY a life-threatening clot.

Eddie is not scared away by my hypochondria and thinks we should jam sometime. Purely a musical collaboration. ::insert smithers' fingers:: Exxxxxxxxxcellent.

He comes over on a Saturday afternoon after I've already had a few drinks at brunch and I offer him a beer. He declines. Well hmph. I bring a Magic Hat back for myself and he says "oh, I didn't realize you meant good beer. Then yes, I'll take one." Ha!

We intended to just play a few songs but fast forward four hours and he's still at my apartment. He loiters by the door on his way out... It’s obvious that we have both enjoyed each other's company immensely. He mentions that he'll be in Old Town later that night for an open-bar birthday party. Open bar, eh? Interesting. Interesting indeed. But I tell him I already have plans to go to a friend's party. "Text me later if you happen to be around" he says as he walks out.

Well guess what! I just happen to "be around" so I ask him if he's still there. His response: “Yes. Come. Here. Now. Whiskey. Is. Plentiful.”  SCORE.

I walk in and he's playing pool with his friends. I flit around, chat with random people, eat a chicken/waffle slider and challenge his friends to shuffle board. The whiskey is flowing at this point and he and I are unabashedly flirting. I tell him I can't drive home - so can we walk to a diner for a cup of coffee? ::bat eyelashes:: He agrees.

We are walking... singing songs and laughing when, all of the sudden, something comes over me. I don't know what exactly but let's just say I can't help myself.

 

 

The push up against the tree is forceful (BTW SUPER HOT) but the kiss is slow and soft. I melt on the spot. FUCK YES!!

The next few hours are a blur... kissing, more drinking, dancing to a grunge band in a dive bar, laughing, more singing, more kissing.

"This is a terrible, awful idea" Eddie says. "There goes the band!" he laments.  

Amendment: I commissioned this comic before I knew Eddie very well.  I struggled with whether or not to include him on this blog… because he was absolutely in no way, shape or form a “fling.” We dated for about six months and I fell in love with him. It felt good to love again. To be loved. I don’t regret letting him into my life even though our break-up was by far the most painful one I've ever been through. Eddie is, in many ways, the antithesis of Joseph. He is not materialistic or superficial. He is exceedingly loyal, highly introverted, deliciously tattooed and hails from West Virginia… His devil-may-care attitude means he doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks about him. It was refreshing to say the least.

I recently heard a spot-on analogy of dating. We are all little porcupines that are outside shivering in the cold. We want to huddle together for warmth and safety, but as we get closer… we end up stabbing each other with our quills. Well #*&%^! That’s not fair, man! So basically the more intimate and vulnerable you are with someone, the greater the likelihood you’ll be left bloodied and mangled. Great. AWESOME. 

 

Thank goodness my humor is in tact. Otherwise I'd drown my sorrows in Irish whiskey and Ben and Jerry's. Oh wait.

That's all I have to say about that.

 

 

I Would Walk 500 Miles (Nope, Not Really)

April and I are out in Old Town and meet two guys at Murphy's Irish pub. They're fun dudes and when the bar closes we are all headed to the King Street metro. Ryan ("my dude") is interesting. He's a bit on the young side (27) but acts older. He went to Penn State so we have the Big 10 connection and he speaks Spanish, having spent some time volunteering in Mexico. Score.

I hear from him off and on but I get the sense he's just looking for a good time. (He only texts when he's already out, after he's had a few beers, etc.) I'm coming back from the holidays when he asks me to meet him for a drink. I just drove 7 hours from Ohio and am exhausted.

Umm... really? I told him "No, no.. nevermind. I'm just going to go home." Now mind you, the bar I suggested, Samuel Becketts, is 5 minutes from where this man lives. So it's not as if I'm suggesting he drive 45 minutes somewhere. Who swears at a girl over text message anyway?

Unsurprisingly, I don't hear from him. About a week later April and I are out in Old Town and we end up at Murphy's. Again. Not only do I run into some old soccer friends (including Amir: So Not A Date Movie He looks happy, by the way, and is there with a pretty girl) But guess who is there. Ryan.

He's smiling at me and trying to flirt with me. I'm acting aloof toward him but I'm not bothered - I just know he's not the guy for me. I go up on stage to sing with the guitar player and after singing a rowdy rendition of Wild Rover, Ryan pulls me aside.

Sorry I'm not sorry, buddy. I know what I'm looking for and how I want to be treated. You don't get to swear at me.  I don't want a man who complains when he has to drive 10 minutes to come see me. And yes, I just dropped some Proclaimers on you - Scottish men obviously know what's up!

My friend told me a story about how her grandfather used to walk her grandmother home after dances in Manhattan back in the day... and how he lived in the Bronx and it would take him literally hours to make sure his lady got home safely. He walked miles and miles... and never ever complained. 

Shit. Nowadays men complain if they live in the District and have to come into Arlington to see you. Good luck if you live in Maryland. You're NEVER going to be able to date anyone. 

Accent Goggles: Far Worse Than Beer Goggles

Why, you ask? Well, because beer eventually wears off, you see... whereas someone's accent is permanent. And continues to cloud your judgment with its alluring, tantalizing lilt.

I meet Welsh man on the interwebs and we go on a few dates (pre-dating cleanse). I know from his profile that he is Welsh and it *might* be a *tiny* reason why I decide to go out with him. Not because I don't find him attractive... but his profile is sparse - I'm fairly certain he was banking on the fact women love foreign accents.

He's smart. He's ambitious (He mentions that he wants to be POTUS someday - I don't mention the *wee* requirement of being a natural-born citizen).  He's very manly. All good things. He also says things that kill me like "I'll ring you tonight." Ring! He says "ring" instead of "call"! He says "I'll give you a text later" instead of "I'll text you later." And "isn't she called April?" instead of "isn't her name April?" Sigh.

On our second date we go to an Irish pub and he orders a guinness. I order a Bushmills on the rocks - good ol' Irish whiskey - and he immediately changes his order to a whiskey AND a guinness. Can't get out-manned by a girl! 

He makes it undoubtedly clear what he wants from me.. and apparently from the other girls he's also seeing. How very European of him. At least he's honest about it. So I'm honest with him. "I don't see this happening," I say. 

DANG. That's some cojones there, Welsh man! "You don't want to date me... but how about a one-off ?" Ha. Makes perfect sense. 

My friend, Padraig, called me out recently on the fact I've pretty much ended things with every potential guy by the third date.  In some cases the reasons weren't particularly compelling. (However, in this case - regardless of aforementioned glorious accent - I made the right call) Padraig says that eventually I'm going to have to let someone in.

And that scares the shit out of me.