Most women use Halloween as an opportunity to dress slutty. I dress ::ahem:: sexy most of the time so I like to use Halloween as an opportunity to dress as a man. Some of my past costumes have included Wayne from Wayne’s World and Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords. I looked so much like Wayne, a girl even tried to kiss me. She was aptly dressed as Babe-raham Lincoln. Schwing!
In light of my newly found singledom my roommate Bethany convinces me NOT to go as a dude this year. I oblige her and oh do I *really* oblige her. Think Sister Act meets Jersey Shore. I wore a nun’s habit with fishnet hose, a black mini skirt, and a black bra with a “shirt” that went all the way down to my belly button. I can’t even begin to tell you how deliciously naughty it felt. I spent most of the night running around yelling “sinners, you’re all sinners” to other partygoers. Many men approached me confessing to have gone to Catholic school and that this was fulfilling some boyhood fantasies. Bethany, who looked like a hot Amelia Earhart, and I did very well for ourselves that night.
I had my business card on me which is mega dangerous. I was handing that thing out like candy. In fact, I gave my number to 5 men that night – and 4 of them actually called me. I’d say that’s a pretty good ROI.
Bethany and I are a little tipsy at the end of the night and we walk to Hard Times Café in Clarendon for some late night “sober up” chili nachos. While standing in line we meet three men – one is incredibly handsome, one has scary, bloody makeup on and the third one is brown and cute. Somehow they finagle it so we’re seated at the same table together. Incredibly good-looking man’s name is Joseph. Um no. Sorry, that’s not going to work for me. I inform him I’ll be calling him Joe. When I tell him why – that my ex-fiance’s name is Joseph – he looks at me and says he’s also recently dis-engaged. What the hell? I had no idea how common it was to suffer failed engagements until it happened to me. Although to be fair, Joe was one week away from the altar when they called things off. So he’s WAY more messed up about it. Train wreck is probably an appropriate classification here.
They invite us back to Scary Makeup Man's apartment in Courthouse for more drinks. I shoot a glance at Bethany like “are we up for this kind of night tonight?” and her one-eyebrow raise replied “why the hell not?” These guys are on the older side (36-40) so the apartment is really nice. Joe invites me out onto the balcony even though it’s freezing outside and I know where this is going. He has one of the nicest bodies I’ve ever felt. And oh do I enjoy exploring it. His legs are like rocks, his stomach is ripped, his shoulders are bulging… His strapping frame makes me feel petite and feminine. Fuck yes.
The making out is getting fairly intense and it feels wonderful to be desired… and also to torture him. I have already made it clear to him that I’m not interested in a one night stand. Regardless, it doesn’t stop him from telling me all of the unbelievably naughty things he would do to me and it makes me blush in the best way possible.
Who says that? Seriously?! I wish I were making this up. But I couldn’t make it up if I tried. This is 100% true. He told me he was going to choke me. So naughty! Fyi, if you’re trying to sleep with me, this isn’t the way to entice me.
Joe and I went on one date after that night. It became apparent to both of us that 1. He wasn’t ready for anything given his recent break up and 2. I wasn't up for just a casual sex arrangement. Oh, and then there was 3. I didn’t want to be choked. Ahhhh, those minor details.
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